My Metamorphosis

     I find it so frustrating that my mind always finds its way back to emotions, or feelings, that I really want to forget. My mind is so blocked with this inability to forgive myself (thank you to my counselor for that) that it's like I can't figure out what the best decision is(?) when I'm really stuck on different moments, encounters, and problems. Do I hold onto things, and believe that something good will come out of it? Will my childish, cliché, fairy-tale dreams come true, and "it's fine. Everything is fine" mentality really be fine? Can I make a decision for myself without feeling like I need someone else's approval? Or will that false hope continue to cloud my mind, and ultimately cause me to miss out on a better opportunity for myself? I know I need to be honest with myself, and stop worrying, caring, and over-analyzing everything all together, whether its people or situations.  
     I'm sitting here wondering... why is it so hard to really let go and forgive myself? You may find yourself asking why on earth I'm sharing everything so publicly. Quite frankly, I'm asking myself the same question because (again) who really cares? I just have to remind myself that I care enough about my healing that I need to be open to people, and hopefully it will provide whatever someone else reading may need (a laugh, maybe a tear welling in your eye that's not a cry, or a slight smirk). Honestly, I'm (almost) not scared, or even really worried, about being open and honest with people, whether its about my feelings, thoughts, or opinions. (Depending on the crowd; no offense, but sometimes you just gotta know when to fall back, and know when to stay silent if you can help it). Believe me when I say this is the farthest thing from scary to me (I will leave it at that for now). Maybe my inability to forgive myself is because I'm afraid what will happen after that. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't like myself after I've been so closed off in my shell for so long. Maybe I'm afraid after all of this effort I'm putting into becoming the best version of myself... I will never learn to love myself again. (I'm not going to lie this is the first time I'm even having this conversation with myself, or anyone. So, this realization, or "ouch that was deep" moment with myself happened in real time). OR, on top of not having that love for myself, maybe I will not experience what I THOUGHT would be my so-called "cliché endings and 'everything is actually fine' moments". Luckily, I have two years, two months, and one week until I'm thirty, and will really need to have my mind and heart clear. Once I hit thirty, I'll be wallowing in self-pity over being another decade older, so I won't have time to worry about my past anymore.
     I've already steered from my original plan when starting this blog. I told myself I would use some of my older journal writings in the beginning to sort of "paint the picture" of how my mind is growing. I wanted to put everything out there, but legitimately tell it in the chronological timeline because it's my "story" (yes it's corny; that word play flowed well I think). How long is too long when you're testing the waters on things? I'm just asking for a friend. In the end (word play again; I do this inside my own head a lot if you happen to be wondering), I'm actually happy that this specific dumping of thoughts and words took place today. I've opened myself up to those in my circle slowly at the surface level, and some even deeper (which is nothing personal to anyone whom I consider myself to be  close with, and may have given zero insight of what's been going on with me lately), as well as my counselor whom I'm really feeling comfortable opening up with right now. Hopefully, this is just another step in the best direction for myself, my daughter, my family, my friends, and everyone whom I may cross paths with.