My Metamorphosis

      Many always ask for signs or clues that they're on the right path; maybe even asking if things will get better. Just a hint of hope that you will get over that hurdle; you will climb out of that deep hole that your mind has fallen into. OR signs a loved one is near; hints that they never really left you. I've always asked for a small gesture from them whether it is through nature, the stars, or whatever message the Lord is able to give me from them. I've also asked for signs when I "believed" I was at my lowest, and when I was at rock bottom. Just hoping there'd be this glimmer of hope and an indication that things would get better. Little did I know, at that point in time, they weren't hurdles but more like little ant hills. Easily covered and hidden like it never really existed because it was so minute. I wish for those ant hills again. 
      For me, I know I only have two options to conquer each hurdle: pick up and move it, or leap over it and surmount it (easier said than done). Then, at what feels like the worst possible moment, the next turn of events takes place right when you're about to conquer that hurdle. This turn of events leads to a new hurdle, and slowly they begin to pile up and become one solid wall. They continue to build up higher and you feel as though it's now too high to leap, and too heavy to move. It brings you right to the point in time where your lowest point gets even lower.  You plead for a sign; something for your sanity because the unknown doesn't seem like it's bearable; always unsure, on edge, and over-analyzing; scarred within because the hurdles continue to build up. There is no leaping, no picking up and moving because it's towered over you and consumed you; taking control of your mind until you're finally asking (BEGGING) for that sign, that hint, that things will work out eventually. Maybe not as planned, but as they are meant to be. A hint that the past is one small hurdle that you can always leap and conquer. A hint that the future is promising and that the hurdles turn into little ant hills. Fear is imminent when you're constantly doubting yourself, how people view you, and people's intentions. Not all things are so straight forward, BUT hope will eventually get you through it. 
      Once again, the irony of this particular journal entry is the verse in the footnote "a future and a hope" (a reference from Jeremiah 29:11). I would (clearly) be lying if I said that I did not use the verse as an inspiration to relate to how I was feeling at the time.  It allowed me to really take the time to open my mind and attempt to sort through all of the feelings, emotions, and painful thoughts and memories that I was dealing with (and still continue to deal with from time to time). I'm having this huge internal debate with myself on if I want to continue to be vague about where all of this is coming from. Do I allude to nothing and just keep expressing myself in this form? I'm not sure yet myself because I'm very aware that I'm unable to confidently make a decision on my own (90% of the time). Hence, the self-doubt, but that topic will continue on a different day.