My Metamorphosis

     Spilling open my feelings has become harder to do. It seems like no matter the relationship, connection, or comfort level, I always find myself holding back. To be asked, "why are you so defensive", or be told "I can't talk to you about things" really hits me differently now when it's not coming from the negative energy I'd kept myself surrounded in. I became so guarded and sensitive to the smallest things that I immediately prepare to put up my shield and defend myself. Instantly, my mind believes that those around me are either questioning what is wrong with me, or what my issue is. I second-guess every instance, conversation, and reaction. I try to analyze every detail, and even try to predict what others may say to me, so I can be prepared to protect myself. All because I've been shut down; mentally, physically, and emotionally screaming and crying all at once. All because of an unhealthy and toxic environment (and grief) that took a little bit of me until I wasn't sure if my life could go on anymore. 
     I've been wanting to heal those parts of myself, and I'm slowly starting to. I want to learn to love myself whether it is for the first time, or again, I'm not sure. It's hard to recognize who I am when I can't even begin to remember who I used to be. It's when the darkest times of my life outshine all of the bright, beautiful moments I've gotten to experience thus far. I just wish I didn't lose my voice along the way. My sense of identity. How to really go in the world without the noise in my own head? The focus never put back on myself to heal. To get my voice back, my self-love, and to be the best version of myself for my reason for still being alive (my daughter). The one thing that continues to save me, even when I feel I don't deserve it. 
     "Be still and know". . . this was the footnote on the bottom of this journal entry I wrote. I'm not as religious as my father, who just happens to lead a life of ministry, but it comes from Psalm 46:10 (also noted in the footnote of my journal). I never really tried to relate the different moments in my life to bible verses, and I'm definitely not saying I'm starting to. I just find it beautiful that in some of my moments of feeling vulnerable with myself through writing, these footnotes resonated with me so much. It's something I can't explain, but I'm hoping I can do the same for someone else. You may have a village around you. Unfortunately, pride, fear, whatever you want to call it makes us feel as though we have to keep it in. I guess this is my way of letting it all go.